my phone needs a breathalizer
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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