I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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