Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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