i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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