Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
