You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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