I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
