you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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