This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
