you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
