one two three fourrrrnication!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
