why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
