I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
