When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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