Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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