I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
