Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
