i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
