Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
