please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
