Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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