I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
