I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
