I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
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he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
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You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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