I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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