theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
