Your face is a jimmy john
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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