The maid of honor just puked.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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