did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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