I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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