Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my mouth tastes like poor choices
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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