i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
where am i from again
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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