Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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