good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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