the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
