Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
