i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
