I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
