Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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