I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
