Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
