Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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