took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
