the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
