apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
