So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
