Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
