Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
