You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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