Is it because I queefed?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
