Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
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Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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