i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
