I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
this will be a night to untag.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
