My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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